Breakups can be so hard, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no
one really wants to go through them. The loss of your relationship can
bring on intense heartache and stress. But if you're looking for some
help getting through it and want some suggestions about how to make it a
little easier, read on
Steps
-
1
Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively.
Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason.
Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as
if there wasn't a
good reason, there certainly was one - and
probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a
while, but if the relationship was not what
both you and your
partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what.
In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why
it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to
start a relationship,
but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help
you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where
you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
Ad
-
2
Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your
decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you
had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke
it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the
decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize
the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the
bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with
them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she
wouldn't want to
break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
-
3
Keep your space. Even if you and your ex have decided
to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the
breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her
family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no
Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until
you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level,
without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together
counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see
him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're
reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in
the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have
some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like
moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's
absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.
-
4
Cope with the pain appropriately. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting
responsibility
for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you
must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best
and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of
denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to
start moving on.
-
5
Deal with the hate phase. This is when you want to
just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you
feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the
circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may
resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup
was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the
time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of
that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart
over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so
many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although
it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with
hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love
and hate which are never a good thing.
-
6
Talk to your friends. You want people around you who
love
you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding
yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you
see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get
steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a
comforting net.
-
7
Write all your feelings down. Write in a
journal or try
writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely
honest
and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing
it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight
that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may
become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it
so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole
experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship
is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just
because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of
your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
-
8
Make a list of reminders. One of the best tricks to
help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your
ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear––this is not the time
to be
forgiving.
What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up
an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you
just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened
and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to
feel again. When you
find yourself
missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be
getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a
couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it
was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself
again?"
If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve
better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you
would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship
was no good for you!"
-
9
Out with the old, in with the new. A breakup can
signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your
personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new
things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will
just add to your
stress
level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space
doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus
to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks
designed to make
your life better and easier will also occupy
your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room,
get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As
insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.
-
10
Remove memory triggers. There are all kinds of things
that remind you of your ex––a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the
grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful
feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your
buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room
in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache
or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize
that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become
pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a
conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that
corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain
in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all
these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of
jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the
good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping
such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later,
when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far
away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of
sight, out of mind.
-
11
Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and
family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every
book
on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a
relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there
are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in
those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
-
12
Stay active. Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go
running
outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a
friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step. If
you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to
motivate yourself to work out:
- Do something small, right now. Going all the way to the gym, or
getting decked out in your jogging gear, or doing whatever it is you
feel you should be doing obviously seems like too much work. So just do
ten push-ups or jumping jacks. Easy. And usually, it's just enough to
get your heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel like a little
more exercise wouldn't be so bad...
- Get halfway there. If you want to go to the gym, but just don't feel
like it, at least just drive yourself to gym, and tell yourself that if
you still don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds are,
though, once you're there, you won't feel like driving home. (But if you
do, that's okay too. But you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll
just walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if your exercise
routine involves much more. Just telling yourself to do one more thing,
without having to commit to anything else, will make things much easier.
And before long, your endorphins will take over.
-
13
Let go of the negative emotions. Understand that
there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred
toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your
relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways.
You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and
fall in
love, and encourage your heart that even though
love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.
-
14
Remind yourself of the negative things. Not
necessarily all negative, but the "turn-offs" of that person. For
example, the less attractive you find them, the quicker you'll get over
them. Your mentality has to strictly be all bad characteristics about
this person, without sounding hateful, or "hating" on this person. (Ex.
his/her hair always had a funny smell to it, he/she never brushed his
teeth, he/she never bought anything for my birthday, he/she had the
ugliest smile I've ever seen, he/she had the most annoying laugh, ETC).
1Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.Ad
2Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
3Keep your space. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.
4Cope with the pain appropriately. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.
6Talk to your friends. You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net.
7Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
8Make a list of reminders. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear––this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"
9Out with the old, in with the new. A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.
10Remove memory triggers. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex––a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind.
11Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
12Stay active. Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step. If you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to motivate yourself to work out:
13Let go of the negative emotions. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.
14Remind yourself of the negative things. Not necessarily all negative, but the "turn-offs" of that person. For example, the less attractive you find them, the quicker you'll get over them. Your mentality has to strictly be all bad characteristics about this person, without sounding hateful, or "hating" on this person. (Ex. his/her hair always had a funny smell to it, he/she never brushed his teeth, he/she never bought anything for my birthday, he/she had the ugliest smile I've ever seen, he/she had the most annoying laugh, ETC).
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