Every relationship is different, but most couples have fights once in
a while. Partners that stay together for the long haul usually figure
out a way to make up and move on. If you don't want to pretend the fight
never happened and just wait for the tension to blow over, then learn
how to make up in an open and healthy way.
Steps
-
1
Look beneath the argument. There's a saying: "You're
never fighting for the reason you think." It may look like you're
fighting about money, sex, or something else, but there's usually some
feeling underneath that hasn't been fully expressed, maybe even
something you hadn't realised you were feeling.
Identifying the root feeling can help you calm down and make up with your partner. Common feelings that many fights can be traced to include:
- Inadequacy. You feel like you're not good enough and you can't quite believe that your partner would want someone like you - at least, not for long.
- Fear of abandonment. You're worried that your partner will leave you
- literally, perhaps by cheating on you or by becoming emotionally
distant. A little bit of alone time after a fight is good, though. It
lets each partner cool down so that hot-tempered things aren't said.
- Feeling taken for granted. You feel unappreciated, perhaps used.
Ad
-
2
Communicate what's most true for you in one sentence. Learn
how to practice nonviolent communication.
Telling your partner something like "I feel scared when I see you
talking to other girls," or "I feel angry I don't have the money to pay
for this right now" allows you to get to the core issue and often helps
him or her to understand your feelings without arguing about it.
-
3
Take responsibility. Did you snap at your partner?
Are you trying to control the outcome of the fight? Is it easier to get
what you want by manipulating the situation rather than asking directly?
We all do these things to one degree or another. If you can find a way
to own up to your part in the argument, without trying to blame or wrong
yourself or your partner for it, it may open up a whole new dialogue.
-
4
Be humble. Sometimes if you can
apologize
for something you did (even if you didn't "start" it), it can disarm
your partner and result in him or her apologizing as well. Something
like, "This is not where I wanted this to go, and I'm so sorry it has.
Can we take a breather from the disagreement, collect ourselves and try
again, only this time less angry?" Always remember: don't apologize for
things you didn't do just so the fight will be over. Be sincere.
-
5
Let go of being right. Wanting to win an argument is
the surest way to keep it going. It's a no-win situation and keeps you
from truly connecting with your partner. There's an old saying: "Would
you rather be right, or be happy?"
-
6
Let your partner learn in his or her own way. You can
only control yourself and your own pace of learning. If your partner
isn't getting it, you can't force him or her to see what the issue your
way. There's information in any argument for both of you, but it's
impossible to
make someone see things from your point of view. Either they do, or do not.
- If you're holding out for an apology, and your partner isn't giving
it, consider openly forgiving him or her anyway. This kind of
acceptance, if you don't do it in a condescending way,
might show that you accept your partner's imperfections, which can help
him or her be less defensive. Example: After succinctly expressing how
you feel (as described earlier), say "I know you didn't mean to hurt my
feelings by forgetting about our anniversary. I do still feel hurt, but
I'm willing to trust that you didn't do it on purpose, and you'll try to
remember next time. OK?"
-
7
Appreciate your partner. The sooner you two can
experience some form of joy and lightheartedness, the better. Successful
relationships have a five-to-one ratio of appreciations to criticisms.
Actions that create genuine positive feelings will help to replenish the
emotional bank account of your relationship by noticing and expressing
lots of things that you really like about your partner and yourself, and
the way you are together. If you're still feeling down about the whole
thing, though,
start with yourself.
-
8
Set boundaries. If your argument has been a nasty
one, you may want to make an agreement with your partner about the
boundaries and terms of your relationship. For example, "I agree not to
call you nasty names." Or, "I'd like for us to agree that we talk about
what's going on without yelling at each other."
1Look beneath the argument. There's a saying: "You're never fighting for the reason you think." It may look like you're fighting about money, sex, or something else, but there's usually some feeling underneath that hasn't been fully expressed, maybe even something you hadn't realised you were feeling. Identifying the root feeling can help you calm down and make up with your partner. Common feelings that many fights can be traced to include:
2Communicate what's most true for you in one sentence. Learn how to practice nonviolent communication. Telling your partner something like "I feel scared when I see you talking to other girls," or "I feel angry I don't have the money to pay for this right now" allows you to get to the core issue and often helps him or her to understand your feelings without arguing about it.
3Take responsibility. Did you snap at your partner? Are you trying to control the outcome of the fight? Is it easier to get what you want by manipulating the situation rather than asking directly? We all do these things to one degree or another. If you can find a way to own up to your part in the argument, without trying to blame or wrong yourself or your partner for it, it may open up a whole new dialogue.
4Be humble. Sometimes if you can apologize for something you did (even if you didn't "start" it), it can disarm your partner and result in him or her apologizing as well. Something like, "This is not where I wanted this to go, and I'm so sorry it has. Can we take a breather from the disagreement, collect ourselves and try again, only this time less angry?" Always remember: don't apologize for things you didn't do just so the fight will be over. Be sincere.
5Let go of being right. Wanting to win an argument is the surest way to keep it going. It's a no-win situation and keeps you from truly connecting with your partner. There's an old saying: "Would you rather be right, or be happy?"
6Let your partner learn in his or her own way. You can only control yourself and your own pace of learning. If your partner isn't getting it, you can't force him or her to see what the issue your way. There's information in any argument for both of you, but it's impossible to make someone see things from your point of view. Either they do, or do not.
7Appreciate your partner. The sooner you two can experience some form of joy and lightheartedness, the better. Successful relationships have a five-to-one ratio of appreciations to criticisms. Actions that create genuine positive feelings will help to replenish the emotional bank account of your relationship by noticing and expressing lots of things that you really like about your partner and yourself, and the way you are together. If you're still feeling down about the whole thing, though, start with yourself.
8Set boundaries. If your argument has been a nasty one, you may want to make an agreement with your partner about the boundaries and terms of your relationship. For example, "I agree not to call you nasty names." Or, "I'd like for us to agree that we talk about what's going on without yelling at each other."
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